Saturday, January 17, 2015

I am not Numb, just Dumb sometimes

I am supposed to get a haircut today. I usually have my haircuts on 17th or 27th of the month. It just became sort of a ritual for me. To shed something in commemorating either a special day or one of the few worst days I had.

Way back year 2013, on this same date, my life changed because of a message that said I'm beautiful, I have the look and I am a good person. It's just that we don't look good together because I look like a kid when we're together. Warning me not to expect too much and setting a boundary to "just friends" with extended hopes that i'd understand.

He was so honest and I admired the guts he had. (making me like the person more)
I value truth so much that I believe that Honesty will always remain as the best policy. But sometimes I wish I could have those moments where I can enjoy the bliss of ignorance.

Since then, I've tried to wear dresses and strived to look better in the eyes of those around me. My confidence had never been shaken until that day. I felt insecurity for the first time. I was always the "I-don't-care-what-other-people-think-as-as-long-as-my-conscience-is-clear" kind of person ."simplicity is beauty" has always been my mantra and motto. I preferred jeans,shirts,flat sandals,hooded jackets and sling bags. Now, my clothes scaled up to dresses,blouses,cardigans,blazers,skirts and shoes... I can't let go of the sling bags though which left the the classier bags to remain unused. 

He made me feel bad that day, but he did inspired me to become better. Always throwing side comments on taking care of one's self first before the others. He lets me see things without offending me. Bluntly honest about my figure(stick figure), my blindness (i wear eyeglasses) and my hair (unruly untreated hair). He taught me to trust. Now, you won't blame me if I wouldn't want to let go of such a great find. 

And I won't blame him either, if he wanted me to let go of him (or the other way round)

I had taken his presence for granted.

He was sweet. I am not.
He was carefree. I am stiff.
He was happy. I am bitter.
He's mature. I am childish.

People say I was numb.

I think our realizations aren't in sync:

he realized I'm sort of special: I didn't saw anything special
he realized I wasn't that special at all: I realized he's sort of special
no further realization on his part (assumed by me): I realized that he is so damn special.
no further realization on his part (assumed by me): I realized that he's not really special,because he's way more than that, and I wished I fought for that.

...does that make me dumb?

 I wasn't really prepared for a relationship that time. I was finding my way blindly on a dark room . Neither am I prepared right now. I am so full of different truths that they blind me with great light.

I am still hopeful though. Still trying to fatten myself up.

still, I am saddened by that fact that no one seems to take me seriously just because I look way much younger than my actual age. I am constantly torn between improving myself vs. being myself.

So, today... I am not getting that sentimental haircut yet. I will grow my hair and hopefully will go for a curly-do. 

They say i look neat with the short bob, but now, I think I just have to deal with the fly-away hair and see if I look better with curls. (haha) yada.yada. to what other people might say. If you know my worth, I believe my appearance won't get in the way.

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